Mr Grumpy: Don't try this at home

Unfortunately, when a bottle of sparkling wine needs opening there is the everpresent danger that someone will insist that I perform a sabrage. What is a sabrage? It is a fast-track way to open a bottle of bubbly with a sword or other suitable weapon. It was developed, or possibly perfected, by Napolean’s Hussars. It may also be a fasttrack to hospital where they will attempt to stop the bleeding and stitch everything back together.

I was invited to host a champagne tasting just before Christmas a few years ago. The organiser insisted that I perform a sabrage. I borrowed a ceremonial sword from a friend in the navy. Big mistake. The sabre was too whippy. A better choice would have been the back of a carving knife. Fortunately, I had time to practice on a bottle of Prosecco before the guests arrived. The bottle exploded but somehow my fingers remained intact. I shot down to an army surplus store and bought a machete, but had no time to practice.

I revealed my trepidation to the guests who responded by activating their cellphone cameras. Perhaps I hadn’t used enough force. When I hit the bottle it shot out of my hand, somersaulted across the room and slammed into the concrete floor – without breaking. I dried the bottle and tried again. This time the neck came off cleanly. The thoroughly shaken up fizz disgorged more than half the bottle’s contents in a colourful pink stream that hit the ceiling and sprayed onto the crowd of expectant onlookers. Visions of dry-cleaning chits danced before my eyes.

Take my advice. When you are invited to perform a sabrage, politely decline.